You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consist of. - Albert Camus
The life is a myth was creeping in my mind, and the pain was unbearable to me. I googled "how to die painlessly." I found many ways to die, and all the way has one or another drawback, I felt like I am buying a mobile, and I could not decide which mobile to buy. I just thought, let me come in front of a train, easy, cheap, and hundred percentage effective! The drawback was pain.
I booked a cab, reached New Delhi railway station. I also bought a ticket, ya even I was dying, I was honest. I was standing in the ticket line. My turn comes, and the guy behind the window asked me, "Kahan ka ticket chaiye." I panicked. I had no idea what to answer him; he got irritated and said, "arre bhai lambi line ha jaldi bolo." I told him, "kahin ha bhi de do." He got angry, and he said, "ch***a nikal yaha se." Seeing agitated people behind me, I told him to give me a ticket to Agra. He angrily gave me a ticket to Agra. I paid him and moved on. I went to the platform and sat down on a bench. The hustling and bustling of the platform were intriguing to watch; everyone was running to catch a train. I also thought to catch a train and move to a peaceful place. I waited for a local train. After half an hour, a local train came to the platform. I boarded that train. I had no idea where that train was going. I was on that train for around one hour. As the train was local, it stopped at all the stops. After one hour, I got down at a stop and started walking on the rail.
I realized I have been walking for half an hour. It was a hot summer day. I was thirsty. I was sweating like a pig; I felt like having water. There was no water, no sight of people. I was alone. Occasionally trains were passing. I sat down on a small boulder again started contemplating my decision. I was so confused. I was also exhausted. I was not able to see the reason to live. I was trying hard to come out of my misery, but alas, every time I tried, I failed. I burst into tears; I blamed myself for my agony, my pain. I cursed myself as I was crying and finally decided that I will come in front of the next train. My desolation will end.
I was waiting for the train after I heard a train approaching; I was determined I will do it. I stood up, the train was approaching, but I froze, did not move at all, the train passed at full speed. I was not able to do it.
I sat down again. I mumbled maybe the universe does not want me to die today, but if the universe is not letting me die, why I am in deep pain. This could be testing time. If I could survive this, I may be stronger. I scrolled my mobile, called my uncle, who lives in Delhi. I broke down and told him everything about my pain. He instructed me to come. I went to meet him. After pleasantries, we talked only about one subject "what is life?" Plato said good life is personal attainment of well-being; a wise man is the one who can do the right thing and knows the right things. We discussed for hours those words were encouraging. I was in a very positive mindset, but this mindset will stay like this forever answer is no, but I thought I could try.
I came back to my place with a positive mindset. I decided I will keep myself busy; My career will be my priority. I decided I will try my best to be a better version of myself from yesterday. Slowly and steadily, I will win this battle. I will survive, and one day I will be proud of myself. I started working on myself, wrote down things that I need to change about myself. At the top of the page was my inhibition to speak to people, i.e., public speaking was the biggest problem that I need to work on.
I knew this from long that I had to work on my public speaking, hence around one and half years back, I had joined Toastmasters, but I had to discontinue because of my problems, and I felt this is not my cup of tea. I quit toastmasters because I thought, "Humse na Ho Payega."
At that point, I told myself. You are a broke guy. You have nothing. The idea "humse an ho Payega" needs to go, and "I will try my best and win the battle at any cost" should be my mantra.
I messaged Toastmasters Vijay, and I paid my fees again. I started focussing on my career, started reading a lot. Again like the previous time, after one week, I was low, but I self-motivated whenever I felt low. I attended the TM meeting that Saturday; it helped me a lot; meeting new intelligent people distracted me with my problems. After long hiatus, I attended TM meetings at my old club JPKU, I can see some new faces. TMOD of the day was TM Anshul; He talked about 80's India. I was in awe. Everyone spoke awesomely that day. I did not take any role. I felt bad thought should have taken a role hence I was determined to take a role in the next meeting.
I booked a speech slot. Next meeting, I was going to fight my nightmares.
To be continued...