"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide"-Albert Camus
Whether life is or not worth living is one of the philosophical questions everyone has asked once in his/her life. Is suicide absurd or fulfilling? Is this really a philosophical problem? Everyone says suicide is a coward's act. So if I am thinking about suicide, am I a coward? These thoughts were in my mind before I decided to quit. Yes, I am a coward, and I feel exhausted. I do not enjoy life anymore; on top of that, I am a failure. Yes, I am a failure. So if I quit this life, maybe my next life will be better, but what if the next life is worst? or there is no life after this? next life could be just a fancy term created to make people fool. These were the other thoughts countering my suicidal thoughts. The suicidal part of my brain again countered me nothing could be worst than this, nothing, period. Am I reasonable? is it worth ending the life? The final question which bothered me, am I a reasonable man?
Who is a reasonable man? My quest to understand who is a reasonable man forced me to google about it; I stumbled upon one definition, i.e., "The reasonable man is a fiction — he is the personification of the court and jury’s social judgment." The reasonable man is fiction, yes like an ideal gas reasonable man does not exist. I am trying hard to be a reasonable man, but again, as defined by someone, it is fiction. I was convinced no one can be a reasonable man, but I still thought to dig a little deeper; the last resort for every depressed man is religion. I started reading one of the fascinating philosophical books, "Bhagwat Geeta." One sloka says "सत्त्वानुरूपा सर्वस्य श्रद्धा भवति भारत। श्रद्धामयोऽयं पुरुषो यो यच्छ्रद्धः स एव स।।" which is roughly translated as "The faith of a man is in semblance with his nature. Man is made of faith: as his faith is, so he is". Literally, it means man is made by his belief. So if I change my belief I still can survive. I tried again but, alas, again failed after a week. The idea of a reasonable man is really a myth, and I can not be a reasonable man.
I am left with the only option, "quit." I also got Jealous, apart from depressed, as I came to know she is enjoying her life and she is happy. She is not mourning like me; I felt I was cancer which somehow she got rid of. This enraged me "I became an unreasonable man." I felt like before I quit, I will make her pay. How? Uxoricide (is the murder of one's wife or girlfriend)? This thought creeps me out! I am not raised like that; I am still a reasonable man. This is wrong from all the standards. Hence I dropped that plan with this thought that man should be reasonable, but what about the idea of a reasonable woman?
So I decided I need to go but how?
To be continued.....