• pravin kumar

Life is difficult Part 1

What am I doing with my life? This mindboggling thought surfaced at 3 am in morning. I was refreshing my Facebook page. I was constantly doing that for the last one hour. I thought this is stupid. I am 29, I should be solving challenging problems, but what am I doing, refreshing my Facebook page. Why? I was refreshing my Facebook to know she unblocked me or not. I was frantically checking her WhatsApp page to find am I still blocked. This was my routine, which I was following for the last six months. I thought this madness needs to stop; if it does not stop, I will not survive another year. A new thought crept on "why to survive for another year" what is the motivation to survive. You are a failure; your fiance has left you, you are good for nothing, you can not give anything to society, you are an embarrassment to your parents, your friends laugh at you, what is the point of surviving. A current of energy has awakened my soul, and I contemplated about it. I concluded yes, I am not fit to survive, and as darwin said, those who are fit should survive. I am not; hence I kept doing what I was doing. I was stalking. I am a jealous guy trying to find out, she dating anyone? Is she sleeping with someone? I should call her! I should ask this. I deserve to know, at least this much she can tell me. I mustered courage; I call her at 4 am, but alas, I remembered I am blocked. I thought I need to talk to her, I need an answer. I should sleep for now and as soon as the market opens, I will buy a new sim and talk to her.

I was lying in bed, trying to get some sleep, but in vain. I was suffering from insomnia, or was my guilty conscience was the cause of my insomnia. I had no answer to these questions. This is like I am in love again, the only difference is pain. I am exhausted because of insomnia. I do not remember when last time I got a good night sleep. I checked my watch; it was five am, still struggling to get sleep. I thought let me drink glass of warm milk. I boiled milk, drank the milk, checked the time; it was 5:30 am. I tried to sleep again, in vain; I was not getting the sleep. I continue to stare ceiling fan. I thought may be I will not get sleep, it was six am. I thought to had bath and may be I will meditate after that. I had bath, tried to meditate. After one minute I felt exhausted. It was not helping; I was struggling, my mind was fixed to get a new sim. I just wanted to talk to her. I checked watch again it was seven am. I thought may be I should make a breakfast.

To be continued.........

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